If we were to visit the Kingdom of the Goblins as tourists, what would you recommend that we see or do there?
Visit? Tourists? If you voluntarily came to the Kingdom of the Goblins then I can only assume your travel agent has an evil sense of humor. You should sue and/or viciously assault him with a stale loaf of French bread when you get home.
The Kingdom of the Goblins is home to the largest maze on Other Place, a dubious distinction as it actually lowers property values in a fifty-mile radius. There are some natural caves incorporated into the tunnel network, and the land has recovered enough to support young trees. Visitors to the kingdom rarely want to see either of these. Instead they come to hide from the law and dispose of incriminating evidence.
What dangers should we avoid in the Kingdom of the Goblins?
The goblin residents don’t typically qualify as dangerous, as a grown man can take on ten and a trained soldier can fight twenty with a good chance of winning. But goblins know this and set traps for enemies, one another and the odd insurance salesman. Anyone fool enough to visit the kingdom will find it filled with covered pits, pie throwers and any number of other nonlethal but still annoying traps waiting for them. These traps are replaced and reset on an hourly basis, so a place you just visited without incident could be dangerous when you come back.
|Goblin Chef Brewing up a Batch of Goblin Stew
Is there a distinct or unusual type of food or meal that we might be served in the Kingdom of the Goblins?
The Kingdom of the Goblins is still recovering from its strip mining days, so animals and edible plants are rare. This is not a problem for the goblins, as they can eat nearly anything. Weeds, bones and old boots are all good food. A local specialty is goblin stew, a wretched concoction made by cooking down whatever junk the goblins find in the kingdom or when raiding garbage dumps in nearby human lands. Goblin stew is foul smelling and becomes dangerously unstable if not eaten within an hour after being cooked. Seriously, don’t eat it.
Typically haphazard weapons and armor:
this goblin is sporting human armor that doesn’t fit and is armed with a chair leg.
What types of weaponry or fighting styles are common in the Kingdom of the Goblins?
Material for weapons is hard to come by. The dwarfs took everything of value before they abandoned the kingdom and let the goblins have the ruins. Goblins favor wood, stone and vines because there are no other choices. Most goblins use clubs and wood shields, but some steal weapons from humans. Goblins do make rickety catapults, but these are almost as dangerous to the user and the target.
Goblins know they are smaller and weaker than their enemies. To get around this they favor overwhelming numbers, attacking with thirty to one odds or better. They also build traps to incapacitate enemies, so they can hurt the enemy from far away. Another favorite tactic is to come up through the tunnels running through the kingdom and hit enemies from surprise. But the most favorite fighting style is to run away. Goblins have been losing fights for thousands of years. They’re used to it and see no shame in fleeing a losing fight.
What types of vehicles, animals, technology, etc. are used to travel in or to the Kingdom of the Goblins?
Goblins travel by walking, or at best riding mining carts downhill. They don’t domesticate animals and are too small to use stolen riding animals. They typically travel at night or underground to avoid attracting attention.
What types of plants, animals, or sentient races might we encounter on Other Place that we don’t see on Earth?
Other Place has a variety of races and species not native to Earth. There are dwarfs, elves, ogres, trolls, dragons, sylphs, harpies, minotaurs, mermaids and a host of other intelligent beings. Many of these were created by elves during the Ancient Elf Empire. The Kingdom of the Goblins is so poor in resources and food that it is avoided by most of these beings…and because they want nothing to do with the goblins.
What role, if any, does magic or the supernatural play in the lives of people on the world of Other Place? If there is magic, please give some examples of what it involves or how it’s used
Magic is used on Other Place, but is not common, cheap or reliable. Most magic weapons are made by dwarfs, and ever since they went corporate the quality of their work has dropped. Assume any magic item you encounter has severe limitations. These may include being hard to use, needing time to recharge after heavy use, or the magic item just doesn’t like you and may try to hurt you. Magic items are also very expensive. Many kingdoms have only a few magic items, and these are the possession of royalty.
Wizards are few and far between. It takes a lot of time and money to train a wizard. This means there are never enough wizards to go around and they charge a lot for their services (partly to cover their student loans and partly to keep people away). Rich kingdoms may have five wizards, while most have none. Even if you can find a wizard, convince him to help and can afford his fees, you’re probably better off doing the work yourself.
|Lab Rat with Stink Bombs
Is there any advanced or unusual technology in the Kingdom of the Goblins?
Some time ago the goblins stole books on alchemy. Normally alchemy involves changing lead into gold, which is difficult, time consuming, expensive and doesn’t work. But goblin alchemists, called lab rats, don’t bother with that foolishness. They make bombs, some quite large. These include camouflaged bombs built to resemble common object, the most popular being exploding outhouses. These bombs are not very stable and hurt goblins as often as the intended target, but as far as the goblins are concerned that’s an acceptable tradeoff.
Tell us about any sports, games, or activities that are available for entertainment in the Kingdom of the Goblins.
Setting traps is a sport for goblins. They love getting the rich and powerful, with political leaders a popular target, but just as often they catch another goblin with their pie throwers.
Are the days of the week and months of the year the same on the world of Other Place as on Earth? What holidays or special events are celebrated regularly there?
I did not name the days or months in my story. Goblins seldom celebrate holidays, but a few are regular events like National Annoy the King Day and the Great Goblin Yam Cookoff, an event that has surprisingly not killed anyone since it began.
Is there a particular religion practiced on the world of Other Place? Please describe what it involves.
Goblins seldom practice any religion, although they are generally on good terms with local religious leaders and don’t set traps in churches and temples. Religions practiced on Other Place include two human faiths, The Brotherhood of the Righteous and the Servants of the Cause. Dwarfs aren’t very religious people since going corporate, but some do follow the Church of the Great Maker. Dwarf houses of worship include forges, and holy days often involve making armor, weapons and tools. Elves are also not very religious. Their thinking is that if God loved them they would still have their empire. Ironically when they had their empire they weren’t religious, either, as they thought why worship God when they’d built an empire on their own. Those elves who do worship belong to The Temple of the Perfect Way.
|A Goblin Spy
What is the political or government structure in the Kingdom of the Goblins? Who is in charge there at the moment, and what kind of leader is he/she?
Goblins live in a sort of anarchy. There are no rules or customs, nor any effort to enforce order. It one goblin wants another one to follow him, he has to convince that goblin that his idea is going to be fun and not too dangerous. Once they’re done, everyone wanders off until another goblin comes up with something new to do. Some goblins lead crude guilds, such as warriors, builders, diggers and lab rats, but even they have limited influence over their followers.
Goblins have kings, but they are always human on the grounds that no goblin is capable of leading. They also have to be humans from Earth, as the humans of Other Place know better than to take the job. Goblins generally ignore their kings or irritate them. If they obey a king it’s because he suggested they do something they want to do. Prior to Will Bradshaw becoming king there were forty-seven other kings, including King Trevor the Loony and King Richard the Yeller.
Are there any other unique cultural practices that we should be aware of if we visit the Kingdom of the Goblins?
Goblins don’t hold grudges. Whatever happened in the past can’t be changed, so they see no reason to worry about it. This means that after the sun sets all is forgiven, no matter what you do to them or they do to you.
2 Replies to “Realm Explorers Part XXIV: Visit the Kingdom of the Goblins with Arthur Daigle”
Love this author's sense of humor AND his whimsical drawings. My youngest son would have LOVED this book as a child, especially the outhouse bomb (it would have given him, ahem, ideas). 🙂
I think the illustrations are my favorite part! Thanks for sharing this at Booknificent Thursday! Tina